July 23, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
The Dark Knight
The Gist: Batman is alive and well, helping fight crime in Gotham (which is Chicago, not New York!). His nemesis is the all-time best Batman villain, none other than THE JOKER! This time the late Heath Ledger portrays the lunatic clown, and yes, as good as Jack Nicholson was two decades ago, Ledger is that much better. Nicholson didn’t have a special pencil magic trick in his arsenal. Ledger does! Ledger definitely steals the show with his great tales, fantastic challenges, and wickedly exhilarating laugh. Add wonderful performances by Christian Bale, Maggie Gyllenhaal (she’s not attractive, by the way; I’m not the only one who feels this way, am I?), Michael Caine, and Morgan Freeman as well as a great story to the mix, and well, you’ve got yourself a fantastic superhero movie!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: In the final third of the film, a story line involving the District Attorney develops, and, well, I just thought it was sort of stupid. If that had been jettisoned from the script, this one would have been as perfect as a movie like this can be.
Who Should See This: If you have never liked any superhero movie despite repeated attempts, then maybe you should sit this one out. For everyone else, definitely go take a look if you haven’t already (unless, you’re Katie Holmes; then don’t go because you will regret not reprising your role as Bruce Wayne’s love interest, but I’m sure Crazy Tom is as terrific(ally frightening) as always!).
The Verdict: Even better the more I think about it! A fun thrill ride from the opening bank robbery to the closing credits! They won’t top this should they make another. A-
July 22, 2008
Bar Exam Anyone?
At one point, there were quite a few bar exam takers who read this site. These days, it's mostly junkies and necrophiliacs. Okay, that's not true; I actually don't know who reads these pages aside from Papa Fool, a few friends, and other bloggers who leave comments or send emails. The rest of you come, read, and leave, lurking anonymously at various points throughout the day. Whoever you are and whatever you do, enjoy this post, which has become an annual ritual. If it doesn't apply to you, consider yourself lucky (unless you're in prison for life or a homeless person, in which case, you'd probably make a deal with the devil to be taking a bar exam instead of doing whatever it is you're doing; though, if you're a homeless person, it's kind of impressive that you have computer access and located this blog).
It’s a Monday night in late July. You’re holed up in a hotel room praying like you’ve never prayed before. For the last twelve hours, you’ve been an absolute basket case. You’re not sure what a death row inmate feels like in the days leading up to his execution, but you can’t imagine it’s much worse than how you feel now. You’ve had trouble eating recently, but today has been especially difficult. As soon as you glance over at the room clock, you can feel the beads of sweat starting to build on your forehead.
“It is really true?” you wonder. “Do I only have ten more hours before this damn thing begins?”
You’ve had an entire summer to learn the information, but for whatever reason, you find yourself pacing frantically in your room, wondering how the hell you can possibly pass. You check the alarm clock for what must be the twentieth time. You set the alarm on your phone just in case and leave the ringer on, hoping like hell that one of your idiot friends doesn’t call you in the middle of the night.
You take a pill out of its case and swallow it with the aid of some overpriced bottled water. You let out a huge sigh before resting your head on the pillow. Before you close your eyes, you stare straight at the ceiling and actually say, “Please let me sleep tonight, God. Please.” You’ve had more contact with the man upstairs in the last twelve hours than you’ve had in the last twelve years. A used car lot hasn’t seen as much bargaining as your room.
You stand up and check the alarm clock again. It still looks like it’s in perfect working order. You wonder if you should turn off your phone. If the alarm clock doesn’t work, the wake-up call should. “Oh the hell with it,” you think. “Better safe than sorry.”
For the next fifteen minutes, your mind is racing faster than Mario Andretti. “Does he even race anymore?” you wonder. “I’d love to be a racecar driver.”
Your thoughts continue to be sporadic, yet slow down in pace. Ah, yes. The Ambien (or Lunesta or whatever the hell you took) is finally starting to kick in. Within minutes, you’ll be asleep for good.
You've never been this nervous. Why can't you have one extra day?
Welcome to the night before day one of the bar exam.
BAD NEWS: If you're taking the July bar exam, you're going to have a rough night next Monday.
GOOD NEWS: Rough night aside, you can definitely pass!
BETTER NEWS: Even if you've fallen way behind this summer, there's still one week to absorb a ton of information. Use this week to ensure that you pass! Make sure you read every essay in your Bar/Bri book as well as every answer. That simple exercise will help tremendously. Don't freak out on test day. You don't have to be perfect! You can do this!
BEST NEWS: I finally got to see the new Batman movie! (Doesn't help you, I realize, but it enhanced my life.)
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (1)July 21, 2008
He was so close!
Is it possible that Greg Norman is Phil Mickelson’s biological father? Yesterday, I rooted so hard for the Great White Shark to win the British Open only to watch him falter down the stretch. Nevertheless, at 53, his performance was incredibly impressive. I hope Norman starts playing in all the majors. He clearly still has some mojo left in his tank (and presumably some of his mojo makes a regular appearance in Chris Evert’s tank too).
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (0)July 16, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
WALL-E
The Gist: In this animated feature from Pixar, Earth has become uninhabitable. Humans now live on a giant space station waiting for the day they can return to the planet. Meanwhile, an adorable little robot named WALL-E roams around our planet, compressing trash into perfect squares and stacking them atop each other to create giant skyscrapers. One day, another Robot named Eve hits the scene, and WALL-E and she fall in love. (The film does not show them copulating, at least not in the version I saw. A director’s cut might reveal additional footage.) WALL-E follows Eve (or as he says, “Eve-uh”) to the space station, undoubtedly in an attempt to seal the deal, but there’s a problem, and no, that problem has nothing to do with the fat humans in space, who lounge around like the most slothful creatures the universe has ever seen. You will just have to go see it if you want to know more.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: This certainly was no Lilo and Stitch, but it’s a clever film, especially the first thirty minutes. If you generally enjoy Pixar’s offerings, you will undoubtedly like this movie. It drags a bit in the middle, but not enough for me to contemplate suicide.
Who Should See This: I don’t think kids will really like this – it’s too slow-moving. But then again, throw an animated movie in front of some kids, and it’s like throwing a good beheading video in front of wannabe terrorists, i.e. pleasing to that particular crowd. There are some laugh-out-loud moments, especially when we get to see what WALL-E chooses to save from his time on trash parole. If you want a light-hearted summer film, it’s worth a look. If you want a fast-moving movie, take a pass.
The Verdict: B-
July 15, 2008
Here’s a Story that will make You Want to Stop in Omaha, Nebraska for some Fried Chicken and Tacos!
Yesterday, the Associated Press reported that a jury awarded a police officer and his family $40,000 in their lawsuit against a Nebraska KFC/Taco Bell. “And why did the jury do this?” you might wonder. Well, because the officer’s young sons became violently ill after one of the restaurant’s employees decided that good customer service required handling the officer’s family’s food with extra special care, and to him, "extra special care" meant tainting the family’s food with spit and urine.
According to the family’s lawsuit, workers saw fellow employee Casey Diedrich taint the food. As a result, they reported his behavior to management, but the managers apparently didn’t inform the family about the extra ingredients. And I mean, why the hell would they? After all, who’s to say that the food from KFC/Taco Bell wouldn’t taste better if it were marinated in human urine and spit? I mean, it would certainly be one thing if the employees were munching on asparagus all day and used their post-asparagus-consumption urine. In that event, it would be ridiculous not to warn the family ahead of time. But for regular urine? I’m pretty sure the Food Network had devoted some shows to the benefits of consuming the liquid yellow stuff.
Miraculously, the jury found the restaurant’s owners negligent. Can’t imagine why. The managers sound like shoe-ins to run some of Donald Trump’s projects; their business acumen is simply second to none.
Here’s what’s great. Last year, as a result of his conduct, Diedrich, the punk who spit and urinated in the food, pleaded guilty to violating the Nebraska Pure Food Act. The Court fined him $100. Apparently, he… WAIT A MINUTE. A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!! In the words of Arnold, “WHATCHU TALKING ABOUT, WILLIS?”
This maggot served a family food tainted with spit and urine and received a hundred dollar fine? That seems a tad light to me. What the hell’s the penalty for armed robbery in Nebraska, a $1500 fine and trash duty for a month’s worth of weekends? If I were the judge, I would have made that little bastard serve some sort of jail time, even if it was for one night. And if the statute didn’t authorize jail time, I would have gotten creative with the sentence and mandated that he blow a homeless man or consume non-pasteurized milk directly from a cow’s tit (obviously the “non-pasteurized” part is slightly redundant if he’s sucking the milk directly from a cow’s tit, but just in case the "sucking" part of the sentence was ruled unconstitutional or void, I would want to ensure that he still had to consume non-pasteurized milk (this is why you go to law school)). And if, by luck, the cow sentence was actually carried out, after punk-ass was done consuming the milk, I would have encouraged the D.A.’s office to indict him for some sort of sex-against-animals crime. And would all of my sentencing proposals get overturned on appeal? You bet they would! But guess what. The little bastard would have to sweat it out in the interim. If he’s stupid enough to serve food laced with spit and urine to customers, do you really think he’d be bright enough to figure out that my sentencing proposals were completely unenforceable? The answer is, “NO! He’s NOT that smart!” (By the way, this paragraph is reason number 829 of 109,821 why I will never be a judge.)
Here’s perhaps my favorite part of the story. A company spokesman told the Associated Press that Diedrich was eventually fired for missing work, but NOT for any of the incidents cited in the lawsuit. Let’s just clarify what that means: the company fired the little bastard for MISSING WORK; the company did NOT fire him for tainting customers’ food with urine and spit.
Remember in A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson (i.e. Colonel Jessup) looks over at the judge and exclaims, “I don’t know what the hell kind of unit you’re running here?” Well, how many times a day do you think the people who run this particular restaurant get asked that sort of question by customers? I mean, seriously, is there a reason the local police officers haven’t gotten together in the middle of the night and just burned this particular KFC/Taco Bell to the ground? The worst thing that happens is they all get charged with arson and have their attorneys argue for jury nullification at the end of the case. (Actually, I guess the worst thing that happens is that they get charged, convicted, imprisoned, sodomized while in prison, stabbed in prison, divorced, and fired.)
I’ve only been to Omaha once, and I kind of liked it when I was there. Don’t get me wrong, the place didn’t make me have a spontaneous orgasm or anything, but it was certainly much better than I expected. But if I were a police officer who lived in the area, I would find out if the owners of this particular restaurant own any other dining establishments in town, and I’d avoid those at all costs. Or, I’d just burn all of them down. Really a coin flip.
Posted by fool at 12:23 AM | Comments (1)July 14, 2008
The "BIG" Media Cover Up This Election Season
In yet another example of the media playing favorites this election season, take a look at this widely-distributed photo of John McCain and Barack Obama.
Obama looks very happy, so happy that he has a Chris Wallace-esque smirk plastered on his face. McCain, on the other hand, looks annoyed, almost as if he's trying to keep from punching Obama in the gut.
Well, there's a reason the two men look the way they do, but does the media provide proper context? Of course not. To the contrary, they take an original photo which speaks for itself, and crop it to make the Democrat look like a great guy and the Republican look like some kook. Fortunately, I have sources in the media who helped me obtain a copy of the original, unedited photo.
Take a look for yourself.
The photo appears below.
...
...
(keep scrolling)
...
...
...
I don't know about you, but I'd also look a little pissed off if some guy kept tapping me on the back with the head of his cock, especially if he happened to be standing in front of me while he was doing the tapping.
For the record, this is the 500th entry to appear on Thinking Fool. Somehow, it seems incredibly appropriate.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (0)July 10, 2008
Jesse Jackson is an Idiot
Jesse Jackson, the man who should never worry about finding work as long as there’s the possibility that Fat Albert and the Gang will need someone to voice Mush-Mouth, recently made another boo-boo.
On Sunday, when Jackson was about to be interviewed on “Fox & Friends,” he criticized Barack Obama for conducting moral lectures at black churches. Jackson believes such lectures constitute talking down to black people, so in reference to Obama, Jackson said, “I wanna cut his nuts off.”
Yesterday, Reverend Jesse apologized for his remark, asserting that it was hurtful and wrong, but also noting that he and Obama “have a relationship that can survive this.”
Although the media have not reported how the Reverend knows his relationship with Obama can survive, rumor has it that Jackson said, “Look, last decade, I slid my one-eyed snake in one of my staffers. It certainly wasn’t the first time I’ve played ‘cover the banana’ with a woman not my wife, but, as far as you all know, it was the first time I had a child with a woman not my wife. As you also know, I inappropriately used funds from my charity, the Rainbow Push Coalition, in an attempt to cover up the affair and subsequent birth of my daughter. I assure you all, my wife was not happy when she found out about all this. In fact, when she found out my love juice had been floating around another woman’s cave, it was, well, let’s just say it was not pretty. I tried to pacify the situation that initial night by doing what I always did – swallowing a dozen olives and passing each of them through my rectum completely intact. Unfortunately, that little trick did not work. In fact, not only did it fail to work, my wife actually asked me – in a raised voice - why I thought that little trick ever worked. She told me she was repulsed by my little stunt and also by my propensity to stick my thing in holes not belonging to her. I apologized immediately. I told her I had always thought she enjoyed my olive routine. I explained that I had earned several hundred dollars a month performing that trick at carnivals before I became a Reverend and Civil Rights Activist. She told me if she knew I did that for money, she never would have married me. I replied that she didn’t really mean that. She said she did. I told her not to speak to me like that unless she wanted me to go O.J. on her ass. She replied, ‘Jesse, may I remind you that I just learned that you porked one of your staff members and got her pregnant to boot.’ I apologized and told her that in the heat of the conversation, I had totally forgotten that it was now public record that I had played “Now you see my penis, and now you don’t, but you sure as hell feel it, don’t you, bitch!” with one of my staffers. Despite that admission, however, I tried to explain to her how hurt I was that she didn’t like my olive trick. As a young man, I had worked very hard perfecting that trick and had suffered several beatings from my mother for always taking the olives out of the icebox and returning them covered in shit. I explained this to her, yet she remained unmoved. Well, members of the press, eventually my wife forgave me. And I am certain Barack will forgive me too. And if he would like to see the olive trick, that would actually make my day because, with the exception of Jimmy Carter, I have never done it for anyone since my wife told me it was stupid that night.”
Posted by fool at 12:49 AM | Comments (7)July 07, 2008
Random Monday Musings (It would be Nice if We Didn't have to Work on Mondays; Don't you agree?)
When we were in Vegas, Brother Fool bet $50 on Venus Williams to win Wimbledon and $50 on Rafael Nadal to win Wimbledon. In case you were one of the hostages recently rescued from the Columbian FARC rebels (or just don’t follow professional sports or found yourself paying attention to more worthy things over the weekend), both Venus and Nadal won! Naturally, I recommended that my brother quit his job and become a professional gambler.
John McEnroe kind of looks like Ted Bundy, yes?
I found myself wandering around the monuments over the weekend. Most of the tourists I saw looked like the farthest they had ever walked was from the parking lot of their local McDonald’s to the inside of that “restaurant.” Is there a point where people just completely stop caring? In ten years, will I not care if I’m 75 pounds overweight? It’s one thing to carry around a few extra pounds; it’s quite another to be flat-out obese, and there are simply far too many obese people these days. I understand some folks have health issues that preclude them from shedding pounds, but that doesn’t explain everyone. So what the hell’s the deal? Once you’re married, do you just not care about looking as physically desirable as you can for your spouse? Do you not care if your ticker stops beating one day due to the added stress of functioning in an obese body? Do you not care about setting a healthy example for your kids when it comes to taking care of their bodies? I feel like someone should print up flyers and hand them out in a very targeted manner across the nation: “Try exercising and eating fewer hot dogs; it will do your body good.” Were people always as big as they are now?
I’m a big fan of Restoration Hardware. Last weekend, I ordered one of the store’s shower curtains. Unfortunately, the curtain isn’t in stock at the moment. Yesterday, the customer service department called to tell me the curtain probably won’t arrive until the end of August. I asked if the store would waive the $11 shipping charge as a result of the lengthy delay and the representative readily agreed. US Airways, on the other hand, well, those bastards are about as focused on customers as PETA is on mistreated human beings. If I don’t retain my silver elite status on US Airways next year, the sliver of loyalty I still have for that airline will disappear faster than Charles Manson’s chances of being paroled each time the probation board sees the swastika tattooed on his forehead.
Final random thought to begin the week: If it never gets dark in Alaska during the summer, what do they do about fireworks on the 4th of July?
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (8)July 04, 2008
Crate and Barrel, You Shouldn't Be the Model
Does every Crate and Barrel have horrible customer service or is that just what you get when you visit the store in Clarendon?
I've been in the Clarendon store for up to 30 minutes - during non-busy times too - without a salesperson so much as saying, "Hello." Last night, one actually looked at me and walked the other direction. No, I wasn't sporting a suit and tie; I was merely dressed in athletic clothes. Even so, I've dropped about a grand in that store over the last year, and I won't be dropping any more, even if I desperately need some really cool lamps and bedroom furniture.
Posted by fool at 09:55 AM | Comments (4)July 03, 2008
Fashion Gurus
The other day, I was walking on the mall (the one with all the monuments, not the one where you buy stuff and try the orange chicken at Panda Express). I spotted a father and son, who were clearly Amish. The father looked like a shorter Abraham Lincoln. The son looked like a shorter version of the father. He was particularly interested in watching the various softball games that were taking place. Seeing the Amish boy and his father left me with but one question: Do you think Amish people buy their clothes at Nordstrom, or do they try to save some money by waiting for the merchandise to hit Nordstrom Rack?
Posted by fool at 12:22 AM | Comments (1)